Lately I’ve been noticing an epidemic of self-sabotage happening in romance. It destroys otherwise good relationships, stops promising ones from ever really starting, and creates needless heartache.

Oh, it’s nothing new, it’s not a trend. It’s probably been happening for centuries but with our modern sensibilities and more mobile and electronic-based lifestyles crowding out the connections to our hearts, I am sure it’s on the rise.

What is this monster lurking in the midst of our love lives? It’s:

The ex.

The old love.

The one that got away.

Well to be very exact it’s not the person from the past that is the problem but the attachment the lover has to them.

A pervasive clinging false belief that ‘it’s not done’, that ‘they’ll see the light and come back’ and countless other circular thoughts that lead to one thing – romantic doom.

Yes, sometimes they do see the light and they come back. I’m not talking about arguments within a relationship and cooling off periods. I’m talking about when months and years go by and it’s obvious it’s over but you don’t want to accept it. So you create your own skewed ‘stories’ about what happened and what the future will bring. You create a form of self-delusion that so helpfully assists your inner saboteur in keeping you apart from true love – and happiness.

Those of you that know me will probably be astounded by what I’m saying. A close friend said to me recently that I’m one of the most positive and happy people she knows. And you know what? I am!

I am SO committed to your right  to joy and BIG Love that I won’t stay silent about anything that gets in the way.

I’m a happy bubbly woman but I’m also fierce about shining a light on all the shadowy places inside us that block love and clearing them out.

I am especially committed to this task when I think about why this happens. It’s all about the stories we tell ourselves and this is simply a twisted version of the fairy tale … the lone princess in the tower waiting for true love to find her … the lonely knight wandering the land seeking his true love, both forever and forever waiting because ‘it’s so romantic’.

What a load of bollocks.

I’m all about fairy tales and love stories but like anything they can be twisted. Just like nuclear energy can be used to either power a city or level a city so can our stories make us miserable or make us happy. Romance is to dreamed of yes, but also LIVED.

Some people are so invested in our ‘miserably alone ever after’ that that they make sure, often without realising it, that their happily ever after never gets a chance.

Our egos will do anything to justify being right, even if it hurts us.

Don’t twist our fairy tales to feed your pain

It’s time to let go of the delusions that keep us trapped in the past, of the self-deception masquerading as knowing. It’s time to embrace the magic of LOVE.

And love is everywhere. It’s for everyone.

It’s not something residing in some ‘distant person’ that is always out of reach. Love does not hurt and it’s not for ‘someday’.

Let’s stop keeping it at arm’s length, let’s stop cowering in our old hurts and find the courage to say a great big YES to the love that actually steps into our lives, with arms open wide. 

You’d think that obviously everyone would say yes to that. Unfortunately I’ve discovered that the truth is quite different. Saying a big heartfelt YES to Big Love can be one of the hardest things for a person to do, especially really intelligent, kind, and soul-driven people.

Stay tuned for more discoveries of our secret hearts and how to deal with all these icky blocks between you and the deepest truest love you’ve ever known.

So what to you think? Leave a comment and let me know!