Lately I’ve been noticing an epidemic of self-sabotage happening in romance.

Oh, it’s nothing new, it’s not a trend. It’s probably been happening for centuries but with our modern sensibilities and more mobile and electronic-based lifestyles crowding out the connections to our hearts, I am sure it’s on the rise.

What is this monster lurking in the midst of our love lives? It’s:

The ex.

The old love.

The one that got away.

Well to be very exact it’s not the person from the past that is the problem but the attachment the lover has to them.

A pervasive clinging false belief that ‘it’s not done’, that ‘they’ll see the light and come back’ and countless other circular thoughts that lead to one thing – romantic doom.

Yes, sometimes they do see the light and they come back. I’m not talking about arguments within a relationship and cooling off periods. I’m talking about when months and years go by and it’s obvious it’s over but you don’t want to accept it. So you create your own skewed ‘stories’ about what happened and what the future will bring. You create a form of self-delusion that so helpfully assists your inner saboteur in keeping you apart from true love – and happiness.

Those of you that know me will probably be astounded by what I’m saying. A close friend said to me recently that I’m one of the most positive and happy people she knows. And you know what? I am!

I am SO committed to your right  to joy and BIG Love that I won’t stay silent about anything that gets in the way.

I’m a happy bubbly woman but I’m also fierce about shining a light on all the shadowy places inside us that block love and clearing them out.

I am especially committed to this task when I think about why this happens. It’s all about the stories we tell ourselves and this is simply a twisted version of the fairy tale … the lone princess in the tower waiting for true love to find her … the lonely knight wandering the land seeking his true love, both forever and forever waiting because ‘it’s so romantic’.

What a load of bollocks.

I’m all about fairy tales and love stories but like anything they can be twisted. Just like nuclear energy can be used to either power a city or level a city so can our stories make us miserable or make us happy. Romance is to dreamed of yes, but also LIVED.

Some people are so invested in our ‘miserably alone ever after’ that that they make sure, often without realising it, that their happily ever after never gets a chance.

Our egos will do anything to justify being right, even if it hurts us.

Don’t twist our fairy tales to feed your pain

It’s time to let go of the delusions that keep us trapped in the past, of the self-deception masquerading as knowing. It’s time to embrace the magic of LOVE.

And love is everywhere. It’s for everyone.

It’s not something residing in some ‘distant person’ that is always out of reach. Love does not hurt and it’s not for ‘someday’.

Let’s stop keeping it at arm’s length, let’s stop cowering in our old hurts and find the courage to say a great big YES to the love that actually steps into our lives, with arms open wide. 

You’d think that obviously everyone would say yes to that. Unfortunately I’ve discovered that the truth is quite different. Saying a big heartfelt YES to Big Love can be one of the hardest things for a person to do, especially really intelligent, kind, and soul-driven people.

Stay tuned for more discoveries of our secret hearts and how to deal with all these icky blocks between you and the deepest truest love you’ve ever known.

So what to you think? Leave a comment and let me know!

You know the pattern. You’ve seen your girlfriends do it and you may have done it yourself. You know something is not quite right but he’s SO charming and SO apologetic when you’re together with his big puppy dog eyes that you overlook all the signs that eventually break your heart; even when you know the truth in your soul.

My straight-up advice is go to the pound if you want puppy-dog eyes. The biggest danger is that you’ll get a vase broken by an overactive wee doggie.  If you don’t want your heart broken but do want a man you can have a reliable, deep, and meaningful relationship with, watch out for the signs below! While every situation is unique, I have seen that without exception, these 3 signs are a dead giveaway for a man who will break a woman’s heart.

1. He talks incessantly about his ex

Of course you’ll mention your exes at some point. Of course you are curious about his past. But when he talks about her all the time, it’s a warning sign that he’s not over it and therefore doesn’t have enough attention to give you and your not-so-budding relationship. When a huge chunk of your conversation is about another person, congratulations, you are part of a 3-way. Is that what you want? Or do you yearn for something deeper with a man who is emotionally ready to be with YOU?

2. He doesn’t call when he says he’ll call and doesn’t do what he says he’ll do

One of the most attractive and lovely qualities good men have is that they can stand firm and strong in the way they have promised to do, no matter what. No excuses. No whinging. The universal appeal of a Clint Eastwood is that if he promises to call, he will do so even if he has to build a phone box himself after being chased by baddies for 3 days. Well, if Clint’s on-screen characters had girlfriends that is!

3. You are always chasing him

You do the work. You’re the one planning your evenings out, you call him or email him first, and you may even pay for most things.

He may happily go along with your suggestions but he doesn’t initiate a single thing unless he knows he’s gone to far and wants to placate you. That’s called ‘cruising along’. Why wouldn’t he? If he’s just along for the ride (pun intended) then the less work it is for him the better.

Unless you are a very controlling woman who prefers to keep a tight rein on every detail of your love affair this won’t work for you. At some point you will realise that this guy is not invested in a relationship with you or even worse, he’ll scat before you realise it and you’ll simply feel used.

Back to the pound analogy (yes I know they’re called dog shelters, but ‘The Pound’ sounds more poetic) it’s full of canines that will unconditionally love and adore you  and be grateful for the attention you give them. While neither men nor women are dogs, there is a lot to be learned from such devotion. Do you deserve any less from your lover? Doesn’t your soul yearn for a deep and meaningful connection with a man who will cherish you?

Have you ever met a romantically toxic man or have any of your friends? If so what happened? Share your story below!

(I posted this last year during the Royal Wedding. It’s a good time to repost it as a reminder that life & love are supposed to be magical)

In recent days … The evil villain has been vanquished.

The prince and princess got married and went into the castle in a horse-drawn carriage.

The world watched.

And witnessed this emotionally just landscape unfold.

How can you NOT believe in Happily Ever After?

And before you say ‘but, but, but who am I?’ I am going to shush you (lovingly of course) and ask …

Why not you?

Throughout the years I have seen so many people be lucky enough to find a special love. They meet somebody that takes their breath away and it’s pure magic. It’s enchantment. And they’re swept up in the moment, and in that moment they believe anything is possible. And it is …

And then they let ‘the voice’ take over.

I start hearing things like “well he lives far away and I need somebody closer, and it’s not emotionally healthy for me to be in a long-distance relationship.”

Or “we come from two different worlds, and she likes going to the opera and I like to go to football matches.”

Or (and this is the one that makes me the saddest) “Well we only connected for a very brief time really, it’s time to get realistic and forget all about it. I’m sure it was nothing … I don’t want to be delusional you know.”

Like you can’t see Truth and Love and know your heart in an instant.

I know it doesn’t happen often but sometimes you look at someone and even though it defies all logic, you simply KNOW. Just because it’s uncommon or doesn’t fit the anthropoligical guidebook of normal human mating patterns, do you dump your special connection into the bucket of IMPOSSIBLE, wash your hands of it and walk off wondering why you feel a bit less alive inside when you should be congratulating yourself for being so grown-up?

Please stop doing this! It’s not natural to destroy and analyze to death, the beautiful romance in our lives.

I started to write this a few days ago and I couldn’t help but catch glimpses of the royal wedding furor in the background even as I was working. What a wonderful and timely example for the message I want to share today!

Kate and William … Where would Kate be today if she has chosen psychology over love? Over the possibility of being with the man of her dreams? What if she had said ‘this is too hard, I could never marry a Prince and I could never be a Princess. Who am I to think that I can? Surely he’s just passing the time, trying something new, rolling around with the peasants for a while.’

Would she now be in what many would call a ‘healthy and normal’ relationship with someone of her own class, background and a similar lifestyle to what she grew up with? Many would call that psychologically…healthy.. I have to be honest and say I would call it an utter waste of a lifetime – because she would have run away from the man she truly loves.

And William too, with all his responsibilities, his duties, the life he has been born into … where would he be today if he had married a woman simply out of royal obligation or only because she ticked all the right boxes for his position but was not a woman he really loved? What kind of life would this young man have ahead of him if he had chosen obligation or convenience over love? How much richer is his life because he married the woman his heart craves?

Kate isn’t brave because she married a Prince.

William isn’t brave because he married a ‘commoner’.

They are both to be admired because they had the courage to marry the person they loved. Instead of being limited by what many would call ‘being realistic’.

If we look at William’s parents who married out of obligation, we can see the sad results of not following your heart.

Yet how much happier and more relaxed is Prince Charles now that he is with the woman he loves? How much happier was Princess Diana before she died, when she was with a man she loved?

This wedding was so popular because people want the same Happily Ever After even if they poo-pooh it on an everyday basis. It gave everybody that watched it, hope that it can happen for them, because deep down inside people know that this is truth. This can happen to any one of us … if we stay aware of the special moment and have the courage to follow it through.

So if you see (or have seen) somebody that takes your breath away … as you look at each other across the room … and your eyes meet and it’s an unlikely lover that simply floors you … the question is…Will you grab it with both hands? Embrace it with open arms and see how special it is? Or will you shy away and hide behind platitudes and self-talk?

Will You Choose Psychology Over Romance?

Chrissy

*I feel I have to explain this so that we bring only light to the message.I am not saying that your psychological health is not important. It’s VERY very important to know what your needs are, what your boundaries are, and what makes you happy and what doesn’t. Being psychologically healthy is also good thing nor do I suggest you be otherwise (obviously!) What I am referring to is when people take shelter behind a twisted version of psychological health, in order to really hide from the wonderful, bigness, BRILLIANT, magnificence of themselves and their lives. What I’m warning against is using psychology as a hiding place and really misusing it by pathologising the mystery of love – and destroying it in the process. Let’s remember that the word psychology is from 2 Greek words – soul and studying. It’s the study of the soul and it’s time that was remembered too.

I’m going to remind you once again that men and women are DELIGHTFULLY different from each other!

And while it’s understandable that we transfer our own feelings on to them, the truth may be something quite different for men.

In evolutionary psychology, men are used to being the hunters, from our early, much smaller-brained days. They are used to competing for food, for mates, and for dominance. They can actually THRIVE on this (have you ever watched premiership football? If so, you know what I mean.)

Men produce about 20 times more testosterone each day than women do and the extra burst of testosterone that comes from competition still feels good and natural to them.

Women throughout our evolutionary history however, have thrived from connecting with the people that they love and from getting results from cooperation. They much prefer an offering laid at their feet rather than going out and tearing out another woman’s hair to get what they want.  Competing for a man with another woman makes them feel unsafe, unwanted, and most would rather chew on glass rather than have to go through that!

Now if you’re anything like me, the idea of this kind of evolutionary psychology may just get your back up a bit. You may be thinking that all men are not mindless Neanderthals and that some women aren’t just meek peacemakers and can hold their own in any competition, thank you very much.

And of course you are correct. We’re all individuals and have an endless variety of preferences. And we all have both feminine and masculine tendencies in us.  But it doesn’t mean those urges aren’t there and a part of us. Also, women have been much more powerful throughout our evolutionary history than has been thought previously.

But generally speaking, I’ve seen men be quite OK with competition from other men for the woman they want. And as a woman I know that I’m not that interested in a man that I have to compete with other women for. It doesn’t matter if he has a thousand women vying for his attention, which is completely different. What matters is that he makes sure that I don’t have to compete with any of them!

And women have to make sure they don’t make men feel bad about following their own nature and instead, learn to enjoy the intoxicating feeling of being a Goddess wooed and pursued by these amazing guys!

(recommended reading: A Mind Of Her Own: The Evolutionary Psychology of Women by Anne Campbell)

by Christianna Caeliss
Founder of Unleashing Aphrodite™

A little video to quickly inspire and uplift you about romance …

1. Enjoy your Feminine Nature: 

Aphrodite loved being a woman … well,  in an immortal Goddess form anyway! In none of the stories about her did she try to act like a man when she needed to be strong like Athena did. Nor did she put up with nonsense from god or man because she female. She not only fully enjoyed being feminine and beautiful, she knew she was most powerful just the way she was. People worshipped her for it.  Do you secretly believe that you still have to prove you’re strong because you’re a woman? If so, sweep that old thought right out the door and finally accept your own feminine power!

2. Claim your Sexuality:

Aphrodite was unapologetically sensual and sexual. She had lovers and she had children with them. People worshipped her for her sexual energy as well as for love and romance. Shame was not a word anyone associated with her!  Sexuality is connected to life force. If you are suppressing your sexual power, it’s time to learn how to free it up and use it appropriately. You will exude sexiness in a new, healthy and empowered way.

3. Have Compassion for other Women’s Hearts:

Women all over the world laid offerings at Aphrodite’s temples, asking for her help and support in the journey to true love. Though she was a bit of the jealous sort and sometimes capricious (ancient Goddess, moods and all that), she often answered and gave her help. So if you’re still looking at other women as competition, get in your own confidence and open your heart to them. You’ll be helping them immensely and you’ll ooze confidence, making you even more attractive to lovers!

All the celebrities I mentioned at the start have at least one thing in common: they are all tapping into the ancient Aphrodite energy and as a result they are loved, respected, and adored. Do the same and you’ll not only feel like a goddess but be treated like one!

A few weeks ago I was talking about how unattractive ill-fitting clothes
look (esp women who wear too tight jeans and share their bum crack with the
world!) and how you can immediately uplevel your look with clothes that fit
well.

Today I’m going to share with you a secret that helps the stars look so
fab on the red carpet. And that in spite of the billions we spend on looking
beautiful each year, we rarely invest in this simple strategy:

Make friends with your local seamstress. Or clothing alteration person.

In short, get your clothes fitted uniquely to you. it’s old-fashioned and
HIGHLY underrated. Yet makes the difference between looking drab in something
that doesn’t sit quite right on your and FAB when your clothes are completely
tailored for your body. What do you think the big names do right before the
Oscars or the BAFTAs? They get fitted!

So start buying high-quality clothes that flatter you and then take it a
step further and get them perfectly fitted by a professional.

I’d like to extend a special thank-you to Lorainne and her team at
zipyard.ie who helped my own dress hug my curves so perfectly (and somewhere
there are professional photos to prove it!)

Yes I know what you’re thinking … a love goddess must watch a romantic film when she goes to the cinema, or at least a RomCom … right?

Wrong!

As I often say when teaching women how to unleash their inner love goddess, we have many different goddess types inside us and they each have preferences. My inner warrior goddess likes action films where you clearly know how the hero is and who the villain is.

However, if you’re anything like me and watch a film with 4 or 5 gorgeous and potent men, your love goddess side will quite soon sit up and take notice!

Now while we all like big muscles, a six-pack and a handsome face, for me those qualities have never been enough without one of my biggest turn-ons; Intelligence. What’s upstairs is just as important as what’s downstairs for this Aphrodite.

Of course it’s not the only quality I desire in a man. Passion, strength and charisma are also important but I readily admit that a man with highly developed grey matter is a big turn-on for me

And I noticed something quite unexpected and interesting as I watched all of these heroes save the world (that is not a spoiler, it’s a Marvel Comics film, of COURSE they’re going to save the world.)

You’d think that my obvious favourite would have been Iron Man right? The brilliant, complex scientist wrapped up in a rebellious charismatic playboy exterior, obviously aching for human connection.

Wrong again my friends!

I found to my surprise that Thor was my favourite hero. The one that seemed to be the least intellectual!

Like I said, bulging muscles and a handsome smile alone don’t move me so as I watched the film and laughed and cheered, my ‘belly intuition’ went right to work figuring this out.

Why Thor? What made him so compelling as a hero?

The answer, when it came, absolutely delighted me.

(I know what you’re thinking and no, it wasn’t his god status nor his hammer … though it’s a fine hammer indeed.)

Thor was full of PURPOSE. He was fired up and strong in his determination to protect the world, save lives and if possible, save his brother. Not just for the duration of this crisis but as part of his life purpose. Though Iron Man helped out and generally did the right thing, he wasn’t fired up with purpose, his own personal life mission, whatever that may be.

A man on fire with purpose is stunning, very attractive, and highly desirable.

When a man is on purpose, he develops any other qualities he may lack and needs, like strength, compassion, wisdom, and evolved masculine mastery.

Thor wasn’t stupid. He understood how the universe worked in his own way. More than that, he was wise and compassionate. He developed these traits when he discovered his purpose. And thus became stronger and more a hero than ever.

So when you are looking at men as potential lovers, boyfriends, or husbands, stop falling in love with just his talk and his potential. And for goodness sakes, don’t fall for the ‘lost boy’ type.

Instead look at how purposeful he is. Does he have a life mission that is of utmost importance to him? Too often we as women believe a man’s purpose should be his romantic relationship or his career. Both those things are dangerous to have as a main purpose for anyone because they depend on other people for the outcome and one’s happiness.

His relationship with you, his career and so on can have priority. But there’s got to be something deep and all his own that fires him up. That’s when he becomes more masterful, attentive, and deeply caring in his relationship with you – and becomes the hero who shows up when you need him, no matter what tries to stand in his way!

What do you think? Have you ever fallen in love with a man who had potential but had not yet found his purpose or conversely a purposeful man? How did that turn out for you?

Share your comments below!

For an effortlessly glamorous look, treat yourself to a slouchy handbag this spring (or Autumn for our Goddesses in the southern hemisphere.) But be carefully – slouch bags  can look very UNglamorous if you buy the wrong one.

Here is a shopping guide with some tips:

• Look for a bag that has an interesting but understated texture – like faux snakeskin, which has a bit of a shimmer to it.

• Avoid bling adornments. Too much is too much. I sparkly item attached to the bag – YOU – is enough!

• Go for a shorter shoulder strap so the bag rests right under your arm and close to your side, when you’re carrying it. That looks far more elegant than swinging a monster sack around your back.

You can usually find one that’s just right in the high-end designer bag section. But for a quick and well-priced alternative, you can always go to Debenham’s  or similar department store. I’ve gotten a couple of stunning bags from there in the last year.

The picture you see here is a good example from their website. It looks simple, even TOO simple, but dress to the nine’s, wear a couple of pieces of bold jewellery and this bag will tie all together, in understated but very noticeable luxury!

and when our paths finally crossed
it was for reasons so entangled
in our daily bread
and the usual trespasses

that we might not even have noticed
except for that faint quiver of wonder
like a passing chill from the night air

we loved

and the closest we’ve come to explaining why
is because it was you
and because it was I

~Linda Goodman